The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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