I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
