Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
