Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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