she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I color on your dick again?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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