put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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