I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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