peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
