Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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