Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
