u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
