I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I looked at my own cervix.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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