omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
