i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wish my penis had a tongue
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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