I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Barsexuality is the new black.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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