just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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