Where are you?
In a non slutty way
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
