Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
