He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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