went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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