I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
