Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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