I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
