Sry I called you an 8
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
