I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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