New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
