I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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