I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
