I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
