I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i came on her dog
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
