My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
