M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
