you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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