glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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