taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
