just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
