I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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