Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
