i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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