Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
