So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize