Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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