Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
