Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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