I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need moral support for this bender
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
