I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
