I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
