I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
