seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
