i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
