Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
