dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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