I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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