I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
