sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
