i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dear god my vagina.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
