Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
