You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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