I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
